The Onion
White House Doctor Claims Trump A Perfectly Healthy 9-Foot-Tall 35-Year Old
The White House doctor has declared President Trump to be in excellent health, describing him as a 9-foot-tall…
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Misc news.
A mix of headlines that don't fit a single bucket — everything else worth reading, in chronological order.
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The Onion
Eric Adams Among Lineup Of Children Escorting Turkey Players Onto Pitch
Eric Adams was among a lineup of children escorting Turkey players onto the pitch. The event was a unique experience for the children involved, allowing them to interact with professional athletes. The details of the…
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‘Victens Wemponyaga,’ Begins Promising Kendrick Perkins Sentence
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New Harry Styles Tour Merch Includes Perimenopause Supplements
Harry Styles' 2026 tour merchandise includes perimenopause supplements, which were personally conceived by the singer.…
Explain xkcd
3252: Ancestral Genomes
The article discusses a comic where researchers abandon their study on a genotype linked to sexual reproduction to…
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Pope Releases Encyclical On Perils Of Disney’s ‘Star Wars’ Strategy
Pope Leo XIV has released an encyclical criticizing Disney's handling of the Star Wars franchise. In the document, he…
Explain xkcd
3251: Time Machine Conversation
Cueball travels back to the Iron Age and converses with Hairbun, an ancient farmer. He is surprised to discover that…
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Trump Boasts Annual Physical Turned Up No Signs Of Pedophilia
President Donald Trump announced that his annual physical revealed no signs of pedophilia. He emphasized the…
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Player Profile: Jannik Sinner
Jannik Sinner is a top-ranked tennis player who arrives at the French Open with an impressive 29-match win streak. He…
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Harvard Caps Number Of A Grades
Harvard University faculty have decided to limit the number of A grades awarded to students in an effort to address…
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All About That Lace
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H&R Block Location Mistaken For ‘Backrooms’ Fan Event
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Grandma Demoted To Sippy Cup
Explain xkcd
3250: Flag Design
The article discusses various interpretations and opinions regarding a flag design that references elements from…
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Park Gazebo Celebrates 20th Year Without A Sober Person Inside It
A local park gazebo has marked its 20th year without a sober person inside. The event has drawn attention and sparked…
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Nation’s Simple-Minded Bumpkins Announce They Don’t Mean No Harm To Nobody
A group of individuals from Peach Creek, KY, known as the simple-minded bumpkins, issued a statement clarifying their…
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Democrats Release 2024 Election Autopsy
The Democratic National Committee has released a draft of its 2024 election autopsy report. The report notably lacks…
Explain xkcd
3249: Neutrino Project
The Neutrino Project humorously depicts the construction of a pool intended for neutrino detection. The project…
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Cruel Stage Mom Shoves 100 Milligrams Of Adderall Down Grogu’s Throat
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Ob-Gyn Warns Alex Cooper To Avoid Public Feuds In First Trimester
Dr. Carol Koenig has advised Alex Cooper to avoid public feuds during her first trimester of pregnancy. The…
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Chase Reminds Customers To Only Share Banking Information With People Who Seem Nice
JPMorgan Chase has issued a warning to customers about sharing banking information only with individuals who appear…
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Student Council Treasurer’s Deepest Convictions Tested By Access To $52 In Singles
A local student council treasurer faced a moral dilemma when he gained access to $52 in singles. Grayson Burner…
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Nation Begs Frozen Fruit Companies To Keep The Giant Flavorless Blackberries Coming
Americans have expressed a strong desire for more giant flavorless blackberries from frozen fruit companies. Residents…
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The Iran War By The Numbers
The conflict between the U.S. and Iran has intensified since the attack on February 28, 2026. Naval blockades and…
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Kyle Richards Menacingly Circles ‘Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives’ Spinoff Shoot
Kyle Richards was seen aggressively confronting the cast of a spinoff of 'The Secret Lives Of Mormon Wives' during…
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3248: 182.8 Meters
The article discusses the concept of false precision in measurements, particularly in the context of converting units.…
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Bobby Hanlon
Bobby Hanlon, a well-known figure, has passed away at the age of 45 due to leukemia. He was recognized for his…
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Squirrel Unaware He Embroiled In Months-Long Feud With Homeowner
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Study Finds Gen Z Adults Moving Home For Better Access To Triscuits
A recent study by Tufts University reveals that Gen Z adults are increasingly moving back home to gain better access…
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Rawlings Donates 50,000 Baseball Gloves To Ukrainian War Effort
Rawlings has donated 50,000 baseball gloves to support Ukraine amid its ongoing humanitarian crisis. The company aims…
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Alex Honnold Has Panic Attack At Top Of Step Ladder
Alex Honnold experienced a panic attack while at the top of a step ladder, reflecting on the dangers of his ascent. He…
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Calves and Have-Nots
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Terrified Introvert One Away From Bingo
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BTS Fans Warned Flash Photography Will Trigger J-Hope’s Assassination Protocol
BTS fans were warned about the potential dangers of flash photography at a recent concert. Security staff emphasized…
Explain xkcd
3247: Particle Census
The article discusses an upcoming decennial particle census where physicists will record the locations of all…
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JD Vance Disavows Trump’s Handling Of Iran War As Brilliant Strategy By An Impeccable Genius
JD Vance has publicly criticized former President Trump's approach to the Iran war, calling it neither brilliant nor…
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Kash Patel Goes Snorkeling At Pearl Harbor Memorial
FBI Director Kash Patel participated in a snorkeling excursion at the Pearl Harbor Memorial during an official trip to…
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Timeline Of China–Taiwan Relations
The article outlines a timeline of the complex and often contentious relationship between China and Taiwan. It…
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Respect For Friend Drops After Reading Book They Recommended
Local woman Sara Vogler has expressed a significant decline in her respect for her friend Darci Strouse after reading…
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Financial Experts Recommend Putting Tax Return Toward Dream Sandwich
Financial experts are advising Americans to consider investing their tax returns in their dream sandwiches. By saving…
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Senators Vote To Withhold Own Pay During Government Shutdowns
The U.S. Senate has passed a resolution to withhold their pay during government shutdowns. Senators will still receive…
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Commencement Speaker Addresses Impenetrable Cloud Of Vape Smoke
A local commencement speaker addressed the challenges posed by vape smoke during the graduation ceremony. The speaker…